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Expected on a bench in the corner of the train station in the shadow covered by the roof top. Ally sat in a chair reading the newspaper article, listening to the songs of birds flying by. The day was young, while the train was in sight and moved on down the track the train. The people lined up at the front of the train bearing tickets for the ticket holder. Jamie and Ally was a bench waiting for other passengers to move forward. "We will honey," said the husband. It started preparing the route of the train tickets. Ally wore a backpack and a suitcase, Jamie comprising himself from the pack just a tour, with a canteen full of water Dania. Tickets were given to man and got on the train. "Where shall we sit?" Ally he asked. "How about over there by the old and the child!" The husband and wife sitting behind, to a roar of children. They sat in parallel against each other's other.
You have a good start, but there are two problems. First, you need to make a new line of script, and every time someone different conversations. Secondly, the dialogue. A character would not say "you can sit next to that old and that child", but reminds the seats empty in front of an old man and a child. And mentions only the old and the child if they become relevant to the story. Otherwise, who cares who else is on the train. The approach must be relevant characters for the story.
Flying Lotus - "Backpack Caviar"
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